Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
