Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
