at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
