He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
