Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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