Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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