totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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