u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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