Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize