hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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