She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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