I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
