Ketchup is God's man juice
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I enjoy the company of your penis
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
