My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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