I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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