The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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