There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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