accomplished twins. life is a go
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
