Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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