and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
