When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
