Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
