i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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