She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
