dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
