He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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