I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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