You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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