I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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