no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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