so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
