Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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