The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
