Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
