do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Your cock deserves a montage
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
