I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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