Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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