I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
