And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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