My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
