omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
