I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
