Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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