Banned from zoo.
Again?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
