How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
