ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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