i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
