P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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