she woke up with a sticky ear
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
