Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
