And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
