you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
