Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
