i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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