she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
